Today the dynamics of relationships are changing. It is no longer limited to heterosexual traditional relationships, but a variety of different combinations and orientations. On university campuses, it has now become a popular site to see young couples in love, holding hands, and displaying outward behaviors of affection. Valentine's day was earlier celebrated in secret by married couples but is now a popular event celebrated at pubs, restaurants, and even at universities and offices. It seems that relationships are breaking away from traditional social standards and there is a lot of acceptance and openness seen amongst the youth. The youth today are no longer seeking to find ‘The Prince Charming’ but are seeking to meet a couple of Prince Charming before finally deciding to settle down and marry.
On one end you have the nature and dynamics of relationships changing but at the same time, you are confronted with news of abusive, toxic marriages and divorces. What then seems to be the secret to any healthy relationships?
Romantic movies like The Fault in our stars, Titanic, Twilight, Love Aaj Kal, Student of the year, etc are all-time classic romantic movies. In addition, romantic soap operas, serials, Tv shows, novels, and webtoons are popular sources of romance. To get relationship advice one would prefer using these sources since asking your parents about romance would mostly get you sent to your local priest.
However, according to me, movies, tv shows, and novels can be the worst relationship gurus. As someone who enjoys this genre, it can get too cringy after some point in time. The endless cliches, stereotypes, and tropes in movies are too common and unexciting. All in all, these romances make a good source of entertainment, yet hold unrealistic standards of what relations are expected to be like. People who watch these might internalize these ideas and imitate behaviors seen in them. In reality, you do not fall in love in the first 5 minutes, you do not have rose petals falling from the sky nor are you hit by Cupid's arrows. What most movies show you are just one of the three ingredients needed for a healthy relationship. Yes, I say ingredients, because romantic relationships are based on a combination of 3 factors needed to keep it together. Think of those 3 ingredient recipe videos to make a dish. Those ingredients are essential to make the dish, but if not done correctly you can still mess it up. Romantic relationships are like ingredients or flavors added to make the relationship good. Of course, how much of each ingredient is needed is subjective to the couple but nevertheless forms the basis of most relationships.
The first ingredient is physical attraction or sexual attraction. You need to feel attracted to your partner in a romantic relationship otherwise the relationship will be plainly a friendship. Movies popularly show this—- you see a hot guy, make eye contact and next thing you know there is an endless build-up of chemistry between the lead actors. As a viewer, you are just waiting for the moment they finally kiss to end you out of your frustrations.
Sexual intercourse is important to foster feelings of trust and emotional connection, but surviving on that alone is trying to survive by only eating pizza—which means that it is tasty in the beginning but after a point, it gets boring and unappetizing. Many new relationships start off with high passion but as the passion begins to decline, the relationship begins to crumble and break up because there is nothing else to keep it together. For that, you need another ingredient that will glue it together and keep the relationship alive. That ingredient is called Emotional intimacy which is what sustains a relationship.
Emotional intimacy or connection can be achieved by maintaining trust, understanding, and acceptance towards your partner. Think about your best friend. When you are in trouble you go talk to your best friend and then you feel better. Why? because you trust this best friend and you trust them because you know that your best friend is reliable, loyal, understanding, and accepting of who you are. Similarly, emotional connection or intimacy is needed in any close relationship.
Emotional connection can be established in two ways, one is by having a high degree of similarity or commonness among the couple and the second is by expressing vulnerable feelings and thoughts to each other.
Unlike the popular trope in movies which is “opposites attract” where you have the popular guy fall in love with a nerdy girl or rich billionaire Christian Grey falling in love with shy and clumsy Ana Steele, in reality, opposites do not attract.
A popular theory in psychology is called the ‘Similarity hypothesis’ which says that the more similarity partners have with each other the longer the relationship will last. This does not mean you have to be similar in personality but rather similarities in core interests, values, and attitudes about various phenomena. For example, partners can share similar hobbies, political beliefs, religious ideas, sexual attitudes, and even beliefs about family, and parenting ideas. The similarities should outweigh the dissimilarities in partners. This means that you can have things you do not have in common with your partner which you enjoy with friends but there are a lot more things in common that you enjoy with your partner. This again adds foundation to the second ingredient that is emotional intimacy. In addition to the attraction, there are things you should enjoy doing together and enjoy talking about with each other. After all, if you got to live with someone, you should have at least something in common to talk about!
When it comes to the second characteristic, people in relationships tend to have unrealistic expectations about their partners. They want them to read their mind like Edward tried to do with Bella in Twilight. Of course, mind-reading and subtle hints do not work because it is vague and plainly confusing! The key secret to overcoming this challenge is just talking. Of course, this doesn’t mean you keep talking in the relationship and do not listen to your partner at all. It means maintaining an equal balance. You talk and express yourself and you listen to understand and empathize with your partner. When you do so, an emotional connection is created. You feel safe opening up and being vulnerable because your partner listens and responds to you empathically. Respect, safety, and acceptance are created which makes partners feel emotionally connected to each other. What then happens when the balance is tilted? In that case, you will find partners arguing, misunderstanding, or closing off from each other. It will just lead to a build-up of anger and frustration. Of course, past hurts and childhood can play an important role. Having parents who never listened to you or gave you attention can create an unhealthy belief that “ I must not show my true feelings to anyone” You then become afraid of being hurt and vulnerable. While that might be a good defense mechanism, it is not beneficial in the long run. Rather the first step before you enter any relationship is to deal with your own emotional baggage. Don’t expect your partner to cure it for you. You have to be self-aware of emotions and thoughts that could affect a relationship and work hard to overcome them. If not overcome it at least be aware of it. Dwell deep into yourself. Understand why you do and say certain things, understand the unhealthy patterns and belief systems you could have formed. Once you do that you will feel comfortable talking about difficult topics with your partner. This is not an easy step. It requires showing self-compassion and love towards yourself. It takes great strength and courage but it makes wonders in any relationship.
Talking and expressing vulnerability cannot be one-sided. It needs to involve self-disclosure from both partners. Talking about general topics initially and then diving deep into bigger and personal topics is much better than starting off with the bigger ones first. Test the waters first, see how your partner responds to small self-disclosure, and then slowly move into the deeper ones. If you expect your partner to be attentive, understanding, and empathetic to your sharing, you too need to be that person for them. So put in the effort to create a supportive space for them to share.
The third ingredient after sexual passion, emotional connection/ intimacy is a commitment, or in layman's terms the seriousness of the relationship. This means that in order for the relationship to survive, both partners must be committed to making it work. If you want a one-night fling then no commitment is required and the nature of the relationship will be different. If you want to settle down then commitment will have to be more in both partners. Both partners need to be on the same page, if not then dissonance is created and the relationship will not work out.
Relationships are a constant work in process. It is like an investment that needs to be carefully nurtured and grown, with the right resources. In this case, discussions need to be had about rules and boundaries, likes and dislikes as well as future goals and plans. Unlike the happy ever after's in movies, both partners need to be committed to maintaining the relationship.
So in conclusion, according to Sternberg's ‘Triangular theory of Love,’ a good healthy relationship requires all 3 combinations i.e. sexual passion, emotional intimacy, and even commitment from both partners. One is the spice, the other the glue, and the third is the stirring required to make the outcome good. Hopefully, you take my advice and will not instead feel hungry thinking about food!
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